i don't actually think making friends is easy for me. i think that might explain my hesitancy toward online social networking. you wouldn't guess that by the mass of sites i currently have in my possession. i can actually owe that to a few people along the way that insisted that i, simply, needed to be more social. but the collection of friends like pogs to clip on your profile is scary. like the girl scout badges i never earned. proabably because i was never in girl scouts. mostly because i was too nervous to make new friends. thinking about the possibility of having to still makes me a little nauseous. and so my mom didn't (and still doesn't) make me.
every time i (am forced to) add another way for people to see my goings-ons i get sweat on the keyboard-- what if no one wants to be my friend? what if everyone finds out that i'm actually more socially awkward than dj tanner? what if no one gets to find out that i'm this socially awkward because none of them will be my friend? worse, what if they become my friend, sense my insecurity, and leave like a bad blind date before i can even post a overly grateful "thank you for being my friend" on their wall? like how you feel entering the room for a party. no, like how i feel. i assume everyone else in the world is actually capable of having a conversation without perspiring and quietly wishing they were back home under the covers.
it's probably not as bad as i'm making it out to be. but writing to you-- whoever you are-- is maybe begging for a little performance. like when you feel a little bit like big brother or some sicko installed a camera in a public bathroom, so you overreact with extreme modesty and then twirl around as you leave, giving the finger. wrong sentiment. it's like when you're a kid and your siblings don't play with you so you make up an invisible friend that looks and talks just like jesus christ, and you over enunciate and make bigger gestures because, since no one else can see and hear him, he must have a hard time seeing and hearing you as well.
i'm sure all of your siblings played with you. i now also grant that none of your imaginary friends were jesus. weirdly, i have the chance to edit right now and i'm not taking it...
online social networking as a series of invisible friends. there we have it. there's the tiny consolation that keeps me from having to wear my finest party dress every time i post or log on to facebook. invisible friends mean that i take a part in molding who they are, as well. social networks give us all the chance to be an invisible friend to someone else, but also them to us. still scary for me, but much easier than real friends. real friends team up with your siblings and leave you alone with jesus. that's enough for this session.
oh, i'm on twitter now. invisiblegraham is the name. follow me! i mean, if you want...
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