oh, hi.

i'm glad you could make it.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

sometimes kids say things. sometimes i do.

Toska:  (Russian, coined by Vladimir Nabokov) No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.


It always happens at a moment I least expect it, and I can never pinpoint when it started.  Except I think I believe now that I could have been born with it, thanks to a 2-year-old.  But it's good to know there's a word out there to help dispel it-- or at least describe it.  In that completely indescribable sort of way.


Born with it?  Because of this:  sometimes very respectable and rational human beings ask me-- even pay me!-- to watch over their children.  They do so with the understanding that I now have influence over these kids' lives.  Willingly.  But that's not the only unbelievable part.  I "have" this 2-year-old two to four times a week that is precious and charming and blue-eyed and probably everything I wasn't as a 2-year-old.  She's ideal.  Except when I first started nannying her, she would occasionally have these strange bursts-- maybe every other week-- also known as "The Rage."  


"The Rage"  isn't a particularly good way to describe it either, though.  Sometimes there are fists, but mostly it's just a scream/cry-- a weird desperation that is not remedied by any amount of soothing words or lollipops.  I started asking her questions during these moments, hoping to get to the root of the problem.  And then one day, together, we finally saw each other eye-to-eye.  


We were driving to go pick up her older brother.  I had reached my darkest moments earlier that afternoon in true artist form and continued to my job in true needing-to-still-comply-with-social-norms-and-the-rules-of-getting-and-keeping-a-regular-income form.   The little one was completely fine-- as fine as bubbles and Cheerios.  But as we proceeded to our next destination, The Rage started.  It was sudden, loud, and terrifying.  So I started asking questions:


"Helen*, are you thirsty?!"


"No!"


"Helen, are you hurt?!"


"No!


"Helen, do you miss your mom?!"


"No!"


Me, exasperated, needing someone to relate: "Helen, is the sadness of the world just too great for us?"


"Yes, Miss Mallory, it is!"


Ah.  Toska.  Helen and I have seen things much clearer since then.  And The Rage hasn't occurred since.  Sometimes just a quiet murmur in the backseat while we're driving up the interstate.  


And I say, "Toska."  


And she answers quietly, "Okay."


We got this one.










*name has been changed for the usual reasons and also so I can stay employed.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

what's been happening.

i've been a blogging failure last month.  but it's for good reason.  i know i usually reserve this space for all my fleeting thoughts and general insecurities, but i thought maybe an explanation was necessary.  especially for my one very dedicated follower (thanks, Lace-Face... oh, and Mom).  here you go-- you're in the loop.

as of one month ago, i went from having one baby project to two toddler projects.  mallory graham and her invisible friends is going through a transitional phase-- new members (although you can't see them) are about to be trading in, new recordings are about to be made (end of july), touring in St. Louis is scheduled for september, show dates are being arranged in Asheville for october, and of course the constant of songwriting and planning for the next record (i can't give you the name, yet.  it's kind of an invisible secret).  you can still keep updated on those show dates, etc. at www.reverbnation.com/mallorygrahamandherinvisiblefriends 

of course, i wouldn't even mind if you liked me on facebook while i'm working so hard to bring you delicious jams www.facebook.com/mallorygrahamandherinvisiblefriends.  thanks to bandmate Mike Shannon so delicately prostituting himself out to facebook, we have earned almost 200 fans in one month.  join the movement (or some other motivational phrase).

i'm growing out a teeny tiny hipster ponytail.  also, i have been cutting off jeans and wearing my woody allen-esque glasses more often to appear more aloof and therefore more appealing as a musician.  for you.

ah, yes.  and project #2.  i have teamed up with current bandmate Scott Tyler (http://scotttyler.tumblr.com/) to form a sad-song-singing, chord-organ-and-potentially-bicycle-wheel-playing duo called The Rough & Tumble (you can decide who is who).  we purchased a toy piano yesterday.  we've been writing for weeks.  we have recording dates and shows approaching. we've had photo and video shoots.  busy.  more to come.  you can go to our website if you want, but you won't find much yet.  www.reverbnation.com/theroughtumble. don't worry, i'll keep you updated.

okay, aside from various dirty laundry and walking my dog, you're filled in.  i'll do better this time.  probably.  mostly.  i think.