he called today.

it's not as though we even speak anymore.

that's always how i have to start justifying writing about him.  it was my first attempt this week to put into a song the profound amount of hostility and neglect that entirely defines our relationship... or lack thereof.

it's awkward to write about invisible friends when you know you can't avoid them in the future.  but i put it into my head that we don't speak, that it's not as though he would even know about that song... it's not as though we catch up or that he reads my blog or that he even asks about me through mutual friends.  i know that to be true.  and for that i am thankful. 

except that he called today.  for the first time in a year.  and it just so happens he called for the first time in a year after the week that i have finished finally writing the song that i've been trying to form about him and us and the world we lived... he called for the first time after i finally figured it all out and formed the final word. 

it's awkward to write about you.  any of you.  because i don't know when you'll be back.  i don't know when you'll find out that those vague words and funny phrases are really pointing back at you. 

it's a heavy task to write about you.  it's heavy because the things i say don't have to be truthful.  but it's scarier when they are.  it's heavy because it means that i have to dance around accuracy for the sake of privacy.  or i have to dance around accuracy for the sake of hiding what it would mean to tell him to his face.  and that's awkward.

so, here we are, with one hope:

he's never going to see this.

he's never going to see this.

he's never going to see this.

he wouldn't know if it was about him anyway.